It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
