i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
