I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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