Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
