This is not my ceiling
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
