I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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