She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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