dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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