Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
