you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
