wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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