Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize