Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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