Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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