New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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