I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
