The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
