It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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