I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
