I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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