Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
