My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
