I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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