Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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