its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
