Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
