It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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