I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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