Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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