he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
