DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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