the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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