I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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