I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
