the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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