1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
