Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
