Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
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