Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
