Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
