this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I need a beard to bite.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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