I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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