Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
