If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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