All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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