He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
