He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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