I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
