I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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