How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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