my room smells like sperm. sweet.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
