It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
