Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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