You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
