I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
